Wednesday, February 22, 2017
I never considered it cheating on you, because we would (at the time) be broken up. Yes, maybe only for a few days or less, but sex made it hurt less, and acted as a drug of sorts, but I never meant to hurt you.. Especially like I do now. I feel so betrayed by your physical hatred and maybe in ur eyes I deserve this punishment, but there is no excuse for either of us. I said "cheated" because after being back with you after all was said and done, it felt horrible, like I had committed the worst act imaginable. That feeling shocked me, because of how NEW that feeling was, and how surprised I was to love you... So, maybe my guilt had something to do with the worse and worse treatment I gave you, and I am sorry for that, but there is nothing I have ever done to you to deserve the hatred and severe pain (physically and otherwise) you have returned upon me. It makes me hate you and I don't want that, but it can't be undone. They say there's a fine line between love and hate, and I think I have truly found it this time. I can't help I'm not 100% all the time, and I don't blame you for not being 100% either, but we have to grow up and admit our mistakes. Just like I have always done for you. I deserve the same, no matter what. We are not born perfect people in the least, but we can surely strive for it and learn to GROW, no matter how far down the hill we have fallen again. Because in the end we ALL make it to the top. The top of my metaphorical hill may not be the same as yours, and that's what sets us apart. I have come to terms with that, and maybe not COMPLETELY, but I am really fucking trying, its hard as hell trekking up a hill made of ice, but it's time for me to get my spiked boots out and conquer this bitch. Your a great person, we just don't match anymore, and that's OK!! Really, it is, and we... let me rephrase (because I can't vouch for you)... I can't grow and lead and love myself when I'm around you, because I love you TOO much (even after the way I have acted in the past), and yes that is present tense, but I have to love you from a distance because this love is poisonous to me. To get things straight, I do NOT condone physical violence at all, but I am no saint either. Just do your best, be your best, love the best way you know how and can, and maybe one day your TRUE love will be there. I love everything about you and what you've done for me, I can't thank you enough, but this time I have to walk away... For our own safety. You are forever in my heart and you opened up a really amazing side of me, I just had to sift through my own trash to find it. Don't be breakin' no hearts, and I'll promise to try to do the same. Goodbye, RI.