Friday, July 14, 2017

Let Go, Be Free

I try to remember good things now, in order to not dwell on the bad. In the past, I could never reach the point of "letting go" I am at today. It is definitely a process. There is so much to remember, and I enjoy the good memories. It keeps my heart filled with continuous love. When I remember the bad that goes along with the good, it causes turmoil in my heart and begins to turn it to stone. Before, when I fooled myself into thinking I was letting go, I didn't realize I was fooling myself and actually clinging on even tighter. Digging my claws in while looking away. To keep my heart from going cold, I choose to relish sweet memories and sweet fantasies of what could have been in order to spread the love of my heart to others. I keep pictures and diaries to remember I am human. To remember we are all human. We have feelings, we have a choice. I choose to keep love in my heart and I choose to put the bad in a tightly closed box that I can still look through when I have doubts, but when I think of important people in my life, no matter how dark times may have been, I try my best to love all they had given me, in a positive light. It takes time to heal from things, places, and people that hurt you indescribably, but I think what works for me is cherishing the positive moments in order to keep the negative feelings at bay. So I don't hurt myself anymore, at all. Again, we are all human, and we will all eventually hurt again, but everyone makes mistakes... And for me to live free, I have to do what it takes to keep my mind free and know what to do in order to keep from making the same mistakes over and over again, while still holding all the love I can in my heart. With all my love, honestly, and as true as I can, I am letting go.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Breath Of The Wild

With Baited Breath
[Lisa M. Williamson]

In a place, far beyond my dreams, I romanticize of the ocean. It's salty fresh breath speaking my name, calling me to the western shore. I hear the clash of the waves against the rocky coast, like a beating heart, the drums of the ocean play the timeless tales of all of Earth's history. Caught in a web of reality, I dangle before the sea, in raw glory, naked from life's harsh realities. The sky cast me down to the face of Mother Earth herself, blue beauty of inverted gravity within the breast of the ocean. I wasn't sure of what would happen next, but the panic inside of me was also covered with a coat of love. Peering into the glistening waters, crashing, reaching out to me. I lay in my hammock of the sky's web, which I perceive as my inner darkness, keeping me from the calm inviting seas within myself.

When It Doesn't Rain, It Storms
[Lisa M. Williamson]

As if a force awakened inside me, the anxiety, sadness, anger, guilt, hopelessness was washed away in the now golden waters of the sea. Fear entered my being, not knowing what to expect in this abstract fantasy. Although I feared what would happen next, my mind already understood that there was nothing to be afraid of. As the golden waters washed over my soul, my mind freed itself and I was sent into a roaring flare to my inner universe, to see myself from the inside out. To perceive my deepest inner battles, but to also recognize the truths of doubt around me. As my eyes opened to see past false thoughts, I saw the world as a beautiful, painless place. We look into a world of discovery and realization. An epiphany of intelligence perceived through a different light. To gain a new perspective of what the world has and had to offer in such a hopeless time. To transform that negative into a positive, opening my third eye from within. To be myself, a light shining through the darkness, from past to present. From then to now, I see what was around me, and it is not so dark. It is not so terrible, as it may have seemed then. From darkness comes light, into a beautiful personification of life itself. A transformation unbeknownst to anyone but myself, a true larvae to cocoon, to butterfly. In a place of the mind I couldn't perceive through a depression, I will tell the lighter side of pain.

I Once Dreamed I Lived In A Treehouse
[Lisa M. Williamson]

As the ocean bathed me in enlightenment and washed me back ashore, the view of the world around me came into sight. As I connect with the trees of life, the branches held me so reassuringly. There were no people but I could see myself, and I could still feel the dread of my darkness entangling me in the branches. The web of calamity dangling from my limbs, around my shoulders, and down my hands, to my toes. As I was cradled by my demons, peering and laughing at me, the ocean's calm waters still remained most of all in my soul. The web of self lies was only a reminder of what to look for in the world below. My world. My perception. My own false beliefs.

Wait Of The World, A Walking Meditation
[Lisa M. Williamson]

I see myself, and every time I look inside, I see a different perspective, almost a different person altogether. I see the weight of the world on my back, on my shoulders. Self-inflicted pain, resentment, stress, agonizing helplessness. I look down, as I am covered in the silk the pain I see below, itself. I see it before my eyes, I see the sadness and despair and fear actually weighing me down. The negativity is so heavy, even in the space of the universe, I do not float in zero gravity. How I survived that feeling, those emotions, that little of self-esteem, or confidence, and helplessness, I will never understand. I couldn't let go of all that pain. I was so scared of letting go and getting lost in space. The fear of the unknown was greater than the fear of keeping all that pain. The views I had with the weight of my own world upon my shoulders, now I see what I should have done. Let go. Let the universe flow through my body, and float into space, weightless and free from the pain and agony. Free from the bondage of life I pursued, because at one point it felt comfortable. At one point it was okay, until it was so overwhelming, I feared I would lose myself if I let go. At this point, I enter myself, the web of negativity wrapping around the weight of the world, as I enter my universal body. Almost as if I erased it myself, I lifted that darkness and became a bright supernova, into the space of the universe above me. Into the Great Unknown, and into my true inner beauty.

Trellis Flowers
[Lisa M. Williamson]

Crashing into myself was the scariest, most intense moment of my life. As a dream, maybe, but now I focus away from the negativity. Away from the pain and heartbreak I bestowed upon myself. Lifting my body and soul from the Earth, into the Heavenly stars and skies above, I freed myself of the self-inflicted bondage that filled me with despair and hatred. It filled me with rage and torment, as I stared into the mirror with red glowing eyes, unrecognizable reflections peering back at me. Burst into a million pieces, becoming constellations and planets in my mind. My unconscious decision to reverse my way of thinking, blossoming and growing into a beautiful mind. A beautiful portrait of my true beliefs, my true self. Shining through the blackness, a rainbow of hearts and lights soared through the red beady eyes in my reflection and burst into a limelight of graciousness and empathy. Remembering what I stand for. Remembering what I love and miss and feel. Remembering that I am not alone in this self-inflicted inner battle. I am not alone, and I do not need to face the harshness of my own onyx thoughts and unearthly gravity. I will stand tall, and face the sun. I will face the sun of life and grow beyond sight.

Fresh Pickins
[Lisa M. Williamson]

As poppies burst to life in the light of the glorious sun above, my heart grew, and so did my soul. I soared past the web of negativity that ever-so draped around me. It's cold, drab, lifeless and silky entanglements of uncertainty melting away from the luminous flares within my heart.

All In A Row
[Lisa M. Williamson]

Feeling more gratitude and love around me. Seeing the good of sisterhood and friendship, of family and fortune. The previous pain beginning to transform into the obvious flourish that surrounds my inner being. Love and humanity. Empathy and kindness. Forgiveness and never forgetting, but doing the best one can at not dwelling to long into those red beady eyes of past pains. Glancing into the past, only temporarily fuels the motivation within to move forward, past regret.

Nighttime Bloom
[Lisa M. Williamson]

The world below me fading from the sea and trees, into a glowing and buzzing city. My hometown, with flowers blooming like poppies in the Spring from my inner exploration, dazzling the world below. The stars and moons and planets from myself light the way below. Inside myself, I find myself, and for the first time, my dreams begin and my pain subsides, not to completely end. For, that is not possible, but the pain is less, and the silky frames of the webs aren't as noticeable in the vortexes of my mind.

House On The Hill
[Lisa M. Williamson]

Picture a life without pain. Picture a beautiful scene in which you thought you could not ever see for yourself. Picture a time and place within yourself to emerge from the negative and bloom into the positive, for you are your own light, and no one can steal that from you. Whenever you feel like the webs of despair and hate fill your mind and wrap around your soul everlasting, always put yourself among the heavens and the best of your dreams, and follow that positive attitude. Do not lose hope, do not despair for long, do not dread the future. Accept what is done, and move towards hope. Move towards your love and remember you are not alone.

________________________________________________________________________________

This is a survivor's interpretation of what the aftermath of suicide might feel like in a positive light.
I hope you can read this and let your imagination soar into love and positive thoughts, because I know what it feels like to want to end the pain. Hurting yourself and your family is never the answer, so if something dark is nibbling at your soul, just remember the universe and light within is reaching out to you, and let it help you. Don't ignore the love of those who smile. Even in darkness, there is light.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

They Say...

They say, a joker hide behind a smile.

They say, royalty hide behind wealth.

They say, politicians hide behind power.

They say. beauty queens hide behind makeup.

They say, the wicked hide behind scars.

They say, addicts hide behind drugs.

They say, pain isn't real.

They say, a picture is worth a 1000 words.

They say, I should care what others think.

Actually, I don't care what others think... Smile... Wealth... Power... Scars... Makeup... Drugs... Pain...

You can have it. I don't need it anymore.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Farewell My Batman

I never considered it cheating on you, because we would (at the time) be broken up. Yes, maybe only for a few days or less, but sex made it hurt less, and acted as a drug of sorts, but I never meant to hurt you.. Especially like I do now. I feel so betrayed by your physical hatred and maybe in ur eyes I deserve this punishment, but there is no excuse for either of us. I said "cheated" because after being back with you after all was said and done, it felt horrible, like I had committed the worst act imaginable. That feeling shocked me, because of how NEW that feeling was, and how surprised I was to love you... So, maybe my guilt had something to do with the worse and worse treatment I gave you, and I am sorry for that, but there is nothing I have ever done to you to deserve the hatred and severe pain (physically and otherwise) you have returned upon me. It makes me hate you and I don't want that, but it can't be undone. They say there's a fine line between love and hate, and I think I have truly found it this time. I can't help I'm not 100% all the time, and I don't blame you for not being 100% either, but we have to grow up and admit our mistakes. Just like I have always done for you. I deserve the same, no matter what. We are not born perfect people in the least, but we can surely strive for it and learn to GROW, no matter how far down the hill we have fallen again. Because in the end we ALL make it to the top. The top of my metaphorical hill may not be the same as yours, and that's what sets us apart. I have come to terms with that, and maybe not COMPLETELY, but I am really fucking trying, its hard as hell trekking up a hill made of ice, but it's time for me to get my spiked boots out and conquer this bitch. Your a great person, we just don't match anymore, and that's OK!! Really, it is, and we... let me rephrase (because I can't vouch for you)... I can't grow and lead and love myself when I'm around you, because I love you TOO much (even after the way I have acted in the past), and yes that is present tense, but I have to love you from a distance because this love is poisonous to me. To get things straight, I do NOT condone physical violence at all, but I am no saint either. Just do your best, be your best, love the best way you know how and can, and maybe one day your TRUE love will be there. I love everything about you and what you've done for me, I can't thank you enough, but this time I have to walk away... For our own safety. You are forever in my heart and you opened up a really amazing side of me, I just had to sift through my own trash to find it. Don't be breakin' no hearts, and I'll promise to try to do the same. Goodbye, RI.