Sunday, November 15, 2009
I'm not so much afraid anymore, as I am mostly saddened. I see all these happy faces, then I look in a mirror. With such a happy-looking face, there's something deeper. Hidden under the mask of smiles and laughter, there is nothing worse than feeling alone and unwanted. Not in such a sense that I don't feel like people aren't wanting to be around me, it is that I feel that no one wants to be with me, in the terms of companionship. Even though there are people out there that seem incompatible with me, I want the chance to possibly be compatible with someone. Not everyone is compatible at first. Everyone gets a chance with each other, but mainly because of looks and lust. I don't get that chance, and if I do, it's not with anyone I really care for. Not once has someone asked me out, not once has someone offered to be my boyfriend. Not once, and it hasn't happened in a long time, and it makes me sad. Sad and feeling alone. I feel that no one wants to take the chance to get to know me better, in terms of dating and relationships closer than friendships. It's happening all around me, with couples going back and forth between in-love and out-of-love. It's not as exciting as it sounds, but I want to say that it happened to me, too. I want to be able to give advice, in terms of experience. Instead, I give advice in terms of other people's experiences as they tell me things. I see happy puppy-love faces, and people holding hands. Eating together at meals, and befriending each others friends. I want to experience the love and hardship, the pain and confusion that couples have. I haven't had it in years, and I want to be able to say that I, too, experienced what my friends tell me about. I want to say "I know what you mean" and actually mean it! I want I want I want. To feel alone is to want an abundance of nothing. It's just not going to get any better until it actually happens. So... HAPPEN!