Friday, November 21, 2008

Why Does This Heart of Mine Keep Beating?

I recently remembered a singer: Skeeter Davis. I love her song End of the World. It's sad, but I love how it's catchy. I can kind of relate to the song, but not the way the singer means it. I'm just listening to random music. I wish I was as talented with the guitar as I used to be with the violin. I love the way acoustic guitars sound, especially when it's played right. Gah, I am blabbing. It seems like that's all I ever do in blogs. I never have anything to really say. In other words, I would like to share some of my problems. :) Not for you to help me, unless you can... But just to vent and get them out of my head:

  • Friends: I need more friends. I have no friends, except for one, which is my cousin, Shana. We hang out a lot, and she's my BFF, but I want more than just that. I would like to have several friends, such as the MHEA group. I am a unique person, and I know everyone is unique, but when I say unique... I mean unique. One of my long-term friends, Charles, is gone, because of some incidents that happened in the spring of this year... So we do not talk much anymore. I have one friend, Hannah, who I have known for years from elementary school, but we do not see much of each other. This is because we are friends, but not close friends to where we hang out once every week or something. The MHEA group have all been friends since the beginning, so I am completely and utterly lost with them, no one really knows me, and I don't know anyone. I try to talk to them at the meetings, but they will talk for a minute then go hang out with their other well-known friends. I don't understand. Am I that repulsive? Do I stink or something? I am more mature for my age than them, I guess. The crap they think is cute and funny just doesn't amuse me anymore. It's stupid. I get along more with people 20+, unless they are just as demented as me: A.K.A. Hannah and Shana. I don't get out much, because there's no where I can go that mom will be comfortable with, and that I don't have to pay for. I don't have a job. I have been applying like a madman, and I don't understand why NO ONE will call me. I have called a few places, but every time I call, the damn manager is busy. *Sigh* At Christain Brothers University, I have met a few people and gathered their phone numbers, but whenever I call or text them, they don't answer... I talk to them after class sometimes and hang out with them for a few minutes, but it's only like an aquaintence. They see me as a cool person that could possibly be part of their "clique", but they don't see me as Lindsey. Hopefully next year when I move into college and LIVE with the damn student(s), I will be more understood and liked... Hopefully. Geez, am I that hard to be liked? I try to be polite and talk about things that are interesting to them as well as me, but damn, it's like everyone has an invisible protector shield that I just can't get through.
  • Weight: I need to lose weight. Badly. I am in the process for getting a lap band, and I am patiently waiting. I think I have been doing good. I have been looking at pictures from a few years ago, and I feel so blubbery now. I thought I was fat then, but now I look back at pictures from those times, and I actually looked OKAY! Ugh, sometimes I wish pictures would be non-existent, but I love the memories... Most of the time. Anyway, I will be updating as soon as I find out more about my lap-band surgery. :)
  • College: College is challenging for me. There are going to be more responsibilities, and independancy. I'm so not ready for this, but that's why I have a year to prepare myself. I just don't know how to prepare myself for something like this. I guess the best way would be to get a job and save my money so I can start out with some cash at the beginning, then maybe find an on-campus job or one around the campus. I don't want work to get in the way with school, and I will make sure of that. I am so nervous. I have had a prievew of what college work is like, and it scares me. I am a good student, and I am a smart woman, I just freeze up and get scared. It effects my work, too. It scares me, but I am also very excited. I will miss mom and dad so much, and especially Kitkat. I will miss Bella growing up to be a kid and Eyona growing up to be a teenager. I will miss Lex and Noah, and hope and pray for them to be strong. I'm going to miss this shit-hole, Memphis... But I will be glad that they will understand that this is my time to grow and my time to bloom as an adult.
I'm worn out on writing for today, I will update soon enough. Happy reading, and love to all!


dragyonfly said...

I want to respond to this but not publicly...ill email you later...keep your spirits up. Life is beautiful.

Alex said...

Man, it sounded like I could have written this! We have all the same anxieties :) Hang in there!

green-bean said...

Wow, thank you. I'm glad that my problems are as normal as they seem to be.

dragyonfly said...

yu should blog more.....